The Hider Pattern: Understanding Fear of Rejection and Low Self-Esteem
By Dr.Britta Simon
Have you ever heard about hider patterns?
They are more common with people than you might think. But before we clarify what they are and where they come from, let’s see if the following scenarios look familiar to you.
Hider patterns might show up in numerous ways, For example when
- In social situations we feel unheard, overseen or that our opinion does not count
- We seek approval and reassurance from other people before we go ahead with something we are excited about
- We feel disadvantaged, being treated unfairly or someone else takes the credit for an idea we originally came up with
- We have a hard time setting boundaries or saying NO to expectations or demands from others
- We are constantly in alert of wrongdoing, of being judged and we are expecting the next ‘shoe to drop’
These habits might very well indicate a hider pattern. Interestingly enough, we might also see these habits in other people, especially those we care for.
A hider pattern is not only running on autopilot. It is also running a big part of our life while taking an enormous amount of energy. Plus, it is ruining our plans, desires and everything we work so hard for. Resulting in frustration and a gradual limitation of life quality.
So, how could this kind of habit sneak into our life??
This is very simply explained with an example:
Picture this:
You are 5 years old; your mum is cooking lunch, and you are strictly forbidden to eat those favorite cookies before the meal! Yet, you cannot resist, and you do exactly that! And, of course, you get caught by mum, who is waiting with a long list of punishments for the naughty kid….!
What do you do? You run and HIDE!
For the soul of a young child, it is literally a run for dear life!
But, let’s take a breath for just a moment here because it wouldn’t be very wise to take a walk on the ‘Blame Road’ now. We all know that mums only have our best interest at heart, don’t they? Plus, they were cooking for us, bless them! So, let’s focus on what really happens in our mental and emotional system. And this is quite A LOT!
Thoughts and emotions carry a massive electromagnetic charge, leaving imprints on our soul at any given moment. We can also call it a memory that gets stored in our emotional body. The higher the charge, in the above example in form of fear, guilt and regret, the stronger the imprint.
In other words, this memory takes up a lot of room and therefore is quite present, especially as we grow up and experience similar challenges along the way.
In fact, the memory becomes so familiar that without wanting or being aware of it, we literally ‘create’ situations in order to confirm it!
Why? Because our body is always on a quest to confirm what feels familiar to it. Ironically, it needs it in order to feel safe!
If you reflect for just a moment, how many times you have worried about being rejected or judged? How many times have you underestimated yourself, resulting in low self-esteem? And how often did you agree to something just for the sake of people-pleasing?
It might sound weird, but through the electromagnetic charge of the hider pattern, we experience the same scenarios over and over again. We simply become a magnet for them.
At some point though, we probably wake up to the fact that we do not like what we are experiencing, and we start wondering: Why does this always happen to ME???
It’s time for another deep breath now as we wouldn’t want to walk down the road of self-pity at this point. It might be an easy road to go, but let’s not ignore the dead-end sign! 😉
So, how would one imagine that a simple little episode from childhood can affect our life and the outcome of our actions so massively?
Yet, it does!
And besides: how many similar experiences did we have?! And how many similar memories have we stored in our memory bank?!
It might be tons, but let’s look at the bright side: It does not really matter!
There is no need going back in time to revive and relive them!
Instead, let’s embrace the present moment and the fact that the more we become aware of our automated patterns and the results they create in our daily experiences, the better we can face them.
Realizing that as a child we literally ‘needed’ constant reassurance from our adult environment to feel safe, as adults we are perfectly capable to move over from the back to the driver’s seat, steering with confidence through fears of judgement, rejection and failure. As we expand our sight, our visibility follows suit.
As adults, and as humans in general, we are fully equipped with intrinsic resources to gently dissolve unwanted memories and to replace it with new, more empowering ones.
It is possible!
And now, go ahead and get some of those favorite cookies….. 🙂
Does this resonate with you? Get a deep insight now in your own realm of thoughts, emotions, behaviors and patterns in all areas of your life by taking the Stress & Wellbeing Assessment together with a professional 1on1 Analysis session.
Available here at the L.I.A.